Smoke
by SxG39luver
Summary: Is it cruel to let him die, or is it cruel to keep him alive? It's hard to tell anymore...blah, the new chapter sucks. Gomen.
1. There Is No Rain Tonight

I do not own any Saiyuki characters but I wouldn't argue if Sanzo and my beloved Goku were given to me as a birthday present by a certain Japanese manga artist...*wink-wink*...please don't sue cause you will find that I have nothing and you'll waste precious time that you'll never regain.  
  
FIRST SAIYUKI FIC SO BE NICE!!! That and I'm forcing myself to write, right now. I'm trying to get out of a writers block and this is the best I can do right now.  
  
SanzoHakki...one sided GokuSanzo...errrmmm and most likely other pairing or whatever along later...if there is a later. But I would like to state that I LOVE SanzoxGoku fics..they are the best...I just wasn't in a happy mode and this was birthed from it...I shall be the end of the world one day...^_^  
  
This story doesn't have any dialog...it's just kinda like an opening or whatever. I plan for Chapter two to have dialog but that depends on whether or not I continue this fic...*cough*review*cough*....  
  
Smoke –There is no Rain Tonight  
  
Goku's POV  
  
There is no rain tonight. There were no reasons to aim your gun at my head, but you did. There are no reasons to hide in an empty room reliving your past, but you do. I haven't done anything wrong but still I am scolded. I could say I'm sorry even though I have no reason to be, but you won't hear me. I could pound the floors till they splintered and fell away, I could scream and cry until my throat ripped raw, and still I'm deaf upon your ears. No Sanzo, you haven't heard me for years.  
  
You bought four rooms for the night, but you can't fool me. I know only three will be used. Well, at least mine has a window. I don't think I'll be getting any sleep tonight so it's nice to have something to look at other than shadowed walls and wooden furniture. I can hear you. My sensitive ears pick up every time you exhale the smoke from your cigarettes. And the earthy stench of the smoke seeps through the walls. That smell has become apart of me and it will always haunt me till the day I die.  
  
Death. Now there's a word I know too well. We all know it too well. I've died before. I've died countless times, and I will die again tonight. I just need to be patient cause I know it's coming. I've called out for your help but I knew it was useless. Why would you help me, when it is you who is killing me? You are my savior, and you are my killer. My sun and my night.  
  
Ah, here it comes. The turn of a doorknob; the soft shuffle of feet; and the light click of a door closing. I bite my lip. If this is what makes you happy, than it makes me happy too. I hear it, every shift in his bones, every grain of wood moving under his weight. I tightly close my eyes. He now passes my door almost as silent as death. Almost. My fist clench and my stomach twists. He is there now, and I hear him enter. And I am dying.  
  
You don't hear me anymore, but you hear him don't you Sanzo? You let him come to you, but you can't stand the sight of me. He speaks, and you answer. It's the same thing every night. The faint rustle of your clothes as you move from your widow to him. You're lost in him, lost in a world of green. This is it, here it comes. I hear your voice; I hear 'I love you'. And once again my insides die.  
  
I listen to what I can't have. The rhythm of your lovemaking, the whispers of promises. I smell your sweat, your semen and smoke. Always smoke. And soon I hear nothing but soft pants of breath. All is still for what seems like hours. A movement or two as you sleep, owls calling into the night, Gojyo waking up for a piss down the hall. I've come to realize this is my life and I hate it.  
  
This is why you raise your gun to me; this is why you hide in your room. To keep me away and to keep him close. Don't worry Sanzo, I won't come between you and Hakkai. I love you too much to do such a thing. I'll just remain here on the other side of the wall. I scream and you don't hear me, I'm dying cause you're the one killing me, and I love you even though you hate me. Such a funny, funny world I live in. A funny fucked up world.  
  
Time slips by slowly, but it doesn't wash away the smoke that lingers in the air. It teases me, telling me over and over again that I will never have you. It seeps into my skin forever tainting me. And it wisps into my eyes causing them to blur. And my tears fall once again, but it's just the smoke I swear. There is no rain tonight. At least not outside.  
  
TBC  
  
Please take the time to tell me if this fic is worth living...if so it will do so, if not I shall kill it. Flames are welcomed as well but make sure they are helpful flames if you don't mind. Thank you! 


	2. The Show Must Go On

I do not own any Saiyuki characters but I wouldn't argue if Sanzo and my beloved Goku were given to me as a birthday present by a certain Japanese manga artist...*wink-wink*...please don't sue cause you will find that I have nothing and you'll waste precious time that you'll never regain.  
  
SanzoHakki...one sided GokuSanzo...errrmmm and most likely other pairing or whatever along later...if there is a later. But I would like to state that I LOVE SanzoxGoku fics...they are the best...I just wasn't in a happy mode and this was birthed from it...I shall be the end of the world one day...^_^  
  
Okay...WOW...umm...thanks for all the reviews...I mean I don't know how it usually works but for my first fanfic and first Saiyuki fanfic at the same time I think 15 reviews in less than 24 hours is a good thing ^_^ I must say that I'm sorry for the grammar errors...you see I suck at spelling and grammar...and I usually write between 12:00 –3:00am so I don't really catch my mistakes. I also have this problem with proof reading my stuff...I don't do it. That is why I now have a wonderful Beta for this story, thanks again braidedidiot.  
  
Umm, I don't know anything about Sanzo and Hakkai pairings. I don't read the fics; I don't like the pairing..., which is odd seeing how they're a couple in this fic...hmmm...so I don't really know how their relationship is viewed among its fans. But since this is a fan fic...and I am the author I guess it's okay to write it my way ^_^...the characters maybe OOC but I've read other fics on Saiyuki and then watched the anime and people always seem to stress the character more than what they really are. In this fic I will stress them my way. Thanks again for the reviews, they really made me very happy!  
  
I've always found writing the second chapter to a story is the hardest. Okay so you have this idea you get the first step down and now you need to figure out how to get it going and turn into a story. You have no idea how much I wanted to go back and delete the TBC on the bottom of chapter. One shots are so much more my style. All well, if Smoke doesn't start picking up and if you guys don't like it, I'll just delete the all but the first chapter and leave it as a one shot.  
  
Well, onto the story!  
  
Smoke –The Show Must Go On  
  
Goku's POV  
  
Daylight is breaking across the horizon. I've wondered why such a beautiful world could be the home of such ugly creatures, humans and demons alike. This sight I see before me, from this small window is one of the only things that can make me feel better. It to me is hope, though that hope I feel is starting to drain away. Nature is waking up, and soon you will too. It'll be back to the act, back to the caked make-up that covers our faces, back to the unwritten script we go by. We'll go back the lies we all seem so desperate to hold onto. I hear the birds start to sing and for some reason it brings a small sharp pain somewhere deep inside my heart. I also hear you moving in your bed as his comforting voice wakens you for another day. The sharp pain I feel intensifies.  
  
I leave from the wall I rested my back upon and crawl into my untouched bed. Hakkai will play mother in about two hours and come wake me to go downstairs for breakfast. I need to play the child and be peacefully sleeping in my bed. Right. He has left your room now to tiptoe back in to his. And you two will go on as if the night had never happened. My eyes slip shut after hours of being open, and I hear him cross my door down to his end of the hall. And like clock work you'll light a cigarette to help you start your day. I'm tired Sanzo, so very tired, but I'm afraid to sleep. Every time I a nightmare, the same one every time where millions and millions of birds are falling from the sky, and I can never save them. I've tried to reach them but they see me coming and fly away only to die in mid- flight.  
  
But I'm not weak, weak like you believe me to be, and I'll face these nightmares just like I face my life with a permanent broken heart. I can smell your cigarette smoke again, tainting the fresh morning air, drifting from outside your window into mine. My world slowly dims as I fall back into the deepest part of my mind.  
  
Authors POV  
  
A soft knock echoed down the empty hall as Hakkai stood outside Goku's door to awaken him for breakfast. And as usual no one answered. Giving a small chuckle at the boys sleeping habits, which could rival the dead, he reached to turn the handle. Fresh air brushed against his senses when he opened the door to a sun filled room, and a soft snore reached his ears. There, tangled in white sheets, was the golden-eyed boy lost in sleep. Silently he crossed the room and gently reached down to waken him from his slumber.  
  
"Goku. It's time to get up, they're serving breakfast downstairs now, and Sanzo wants to leave immediately afterwards." He told him softly. The smaller body started to move and the closed eyes slowly blinked awake. "Ohayo gozaimasu." He greeted with his ever-caring nature.  
  
"Morning."  
  
"Time to eat." He told him again. The mention of a meal brought the sleep- clouded eyes fully awake.  
  
"All right! I'm starving!" He yelped in pleasure, and scrambled to get out of bed to get dressed.  
  
Hakkai let out a warm chuckle "I thought so. We're leaving right after we eat." And with that said he left the boy to get ready in private. Once the door shut though the joy that seemed to fill the room vanished as if it were never there, and maybe it wasn't. Small hands clenched the fabric of a pale yellow shirt causing the skin to go white with pressure. Goku took a few deep breaths before he continued to put on his clothes. He had to prepare himself. He knew there was no need to be nervous around them, yet for some reason he was. He knew all his lines, what to do, how to act but sometimes he was afraid he's miss a beat and that would cause questions he didn't want to answer.  
  
He checked over the room quickly to make sure he didn't leave anything behind or too much out of place. Taking one more deep breath before he faced the day, he smelled sunshine, the breakfast downstairs cooking, and of course smoke. It was faint, but it was there, always there. It was time to go downstairs and join his traveling partners. He left the room and stepped into the hall and headed to the stairs, passing the room Sanzo used for the night...Sanzo and Hakkai. "Alright. Here it goes." And with that he continued on his way downstairs.  
  
Gojyo's POV  
  
They think they're hiding it. They think they have the world fooled, and more importantly they think they have Goku fooled. Even I can tell Goku isn't that much of an idiot. I should be happy for them, but for some reason I'm pissed. They just go on with their lives, treating each day like it was the last and the stupid monkey just plays along. I'm afraid for him. He's been acting normal. No one acts normal when the one thing they love in this world loves another. But still he acts as if nothing is going on. I just know he knows; it's a feeling I get when I'm around him. I'm studying them; Sanzo and Hakkai from over my cup, and I get nothing. That pisses me off even more.  
  
"Something bothering you Gojyo?" Damn. Busted.  
  
"Yeah, where's the monkey? I don't want to have to listen to him complain about being hungry before we even reach the next down cause he's too slow to get down here and eat." Hakkai seems satisfied by my answer, be he never is what he seems to be.  
  
"What was that you perverted water sprite?!" Ahh, there he is, figures he'd be standing behind me.  
  
"You heard me you baboon."  
  
"Why don't you say that to my face Pansy-boy!" That's right Goku; act as if the there is nothing wrong.  
  
"PANSY-BOY?!?!"  
  
"URASAI!" Oh God here comes that damn fan.  
  
"Owww! You damn corrupted monk!" He really doesn't hold back with thing. I swear one day I'm going to steal the damn fan and burn it.  
  
"Oww, Sanzoooo. I didn't do anything. The ero kappa started it." Heh. Blame it all on me monkey boy.  
  
"Both of you shut-up. Saru, eat the damn food so we can leave."  
  
"I am not a saru!"  
  
"It's nice to see everything is in order this morning." And there Hakkai sits, never on the other end of that stupid fan. Hmmm, I wonder why?  
  
Goku's POV  
  
His voice grates my nerves, but I sit down anyway to have my meal. As I glance at his ever-present smile, which I believe is rarely real; I have to remind myself that he isn't the enemy. I have no reason to hate him. I just have to tell myself that, over and over again and than maybe one day I might start to believe it. And Sanzo, I should hate him too but I can't. I can't tell my heart to lie just so I can breathe easier. But now isn't the time to think about that, I have an act to pull off. I look down at the food, it looks good like usual but I haven't tasted food in such a long time. Every bite tastes like cardboard and suddenly I'm not very hungry. But that doesn't matter for the show must go on.  
  
"Alright! I'm starving!" That's how it should be. We wouldn't be able to handle it if it wasn't.  
  
"You're always starving bakasaru." Gojyo chuckles beside me and reaches for a dumpling. How banal. I know this move; this is where I let him take it and than spend a few minutes exchanging insults with him to get my food back. So of course this is the way it goes, until we both encounter the ever-famous fan once again.  
  
I choke down the food, argue with Gojyo, whine to Sanzo, and treat Hakkai with respect. You should be proud of me Sanzo, I've mastered the art of wearing a mask like the rest of you. Soon we're done our morning routine and we shove ourselves into Hakuryu to continue our long and drawn out journey to the west. And I follow because I don't know how to do anything else. Sometimes to them I am a pet, a pet with a skill for fighting. And they like me on a short leash.  
  
Hakkai's POV  
  
It seems that Gojyo knows something, or at least suspects. But that's fine; it doesn't matter, just so long as Goku doesn't find out. I love him like a brother and I don't want to hurt him, or at least break the news to him yet. Hurting him seems to be impossible right now. But I can't lie to myself; I can't deny how I feel so Goku will just have to get over it someday. But not today. He's what keeps the mood light among this group and I can't have him broken and angry while we still have to finish our mission.  
  
But sometimes I feel like I need to tell him, like he has a right to know. But Sanzo, the ass, doesn't seem to agree. I wonder, am I doing the right thing?  
  
"HARAHETTA!" His gritty voice breaks the silence between us, and I can't help but smile as I glance at him from the review mirror.  
  
"You just ate an hour ago you bottomless pit!"  
  
"Shut-up you stupid coach roach! I'm hungry!"  
  
"If you don't make them shut-up I will." A glance a Sanzo, amused by his growl. I decided to try and save them from my lovers' rage.  
  
"Maa maa, there's some meat buns in my bag, you can have them Goku. We won't be even close to another town for another five hours so try to make those last, okay?" I glance back at him threw the mirror and I catch a look of hostility directed my way, before it quickly disappears. "Goku?" This time he smiles with joy pouring from his very being. I don't understand.  
  
"Thanks Hakkai! You're the best." He sounds sincere, but that look.  
  
"Meat buns? You were holding out on me Hakkai?" I turn my attention to Gojyo and refrain from rolling my eyes.  
  
"You know as well as I do Goku has a high metabolism, and I thought you didn't want to listen to him complain about being hungry all day?"  
  
"Meh, stupid monkey."  
  
Goku's POV  
  
I hate the fact that he thought about me. Bringing food to keep me calm, only friends would do such a thing. Can I really call him that though? He must know that his relationship with Sanzo would hurt if he thought I knew. But he doesn't. But does that cancel out the idea that he's a friend? It doesn't matter I have to keep thinking of him like one or soon I will find that I won't be able to control my actions against him, or even at all. Yes Hakkai cares. Yes Hakkai is a friend. No Hakkai doesn't want to hurt me. No Hakkai isn't the enemy.  
  
"Don't burst anything." Gojyo's playful teasing broke me out of my train of thought and I quickly remembered the meat buns in my hands and inhaled them. I can't mess up like that, I can't forget my role.  
  
"Mind your own damn business." I grumble around the food in my mouth.  
  
"Personally I think I'm doing a bang-up job of minding my own business as of late." My heart stops. What did he mean by that? That comment wasn't meant to be heard but I caught it anyway. I turn to glance at him and for a mere second his blood red eyes aren't guarded. And just like that the shields are up again and he turns away. I can feel the blood draining from my face. What if he knows?  
  
"Gojyo?" I whisper to him, too quiet for Hakkai and Sanzo to hear over the wind that breaks across the jeep. He turns and gives that annoying smirk of his.  
  
"Just can't have a gloomy monkey around cramping my style. A Goku lost in thought is a dangerous Goku. That means he's thinking and that's not one of his best qualities."  
  
"Stop talking to me like I'm three you ass." He gives a small very unGojyo like chuckle.  
  
"No Goku, you most certainly aren't three." Okay now he's just creeping me out.  
  
"WILL YOU TWO IDIOTS JUST SHUT-UP?! That constant mumbling is worse than yelling!" Sanzo is practically in the back seat yelling down our throats. His eyes are alive with anger. Gods I love his eyes...  
  
"But Sanzo we weren't even doing anything wrong this time. How come you gotta yell at me?" That's right Goku, just whine and use the puppy eyes he doesn't except anything more than that.  
  
"Stupid saru! The fact I can hear you breathe pisses me off!" Ouch. That one actually stung.  
  
"Maa maa, why don't we calm down? I'm sure everyone is just a little bit testy right now seeing that being cramped in a car everyday isn't anyone's idea of a good time but fighting isn't going to make it any easier." Hakkai, always the voice of reason. The only one that can calm your anger. Is that why you love him Sanzo?  
  
"You should listen too him monk, no need to release your emotional problems on us." Gojyo really does ask to be hit sometimes; I'm starting to think he likes it.  
  
"What was that?!"  
  
"Relax, Goku and I will play nice or else your eye might continue to twitch like that forever."  
  
"Stop teasing Sanzo you Ero Kappa!" Like always I rise to his defense even when he really doesn't need it. Oh how tightly I'm wrapped around you finger Sanzo and you don't even know it.  
  
"Stop acting like his fucking lap-dog and stand up for yourself everyone in awhile! I guess you really do like the idea of being his pet huh?"  
  
"Gojyo!" I can barely hear Hakkai cry out. Too much blood is pounding in my ears to really notice it though. I can feel it slipping, the hold on myself. I can't keep it inside. He aimed to hurt so why should not strike back? I'm a fighter aren't I? Aww, look at that. He looks like he regretted what he just said. But it's too late for that now. It's not like he wasn't voicing the truth after all.  
  
"Goku...I."  
  
"Shut-up." I cut him off and his jaw quickly snaps closed. "Can't really argue with you can I? I mean you're right. What else am I good for? Now if you don't mind I'd like to sit here in peace with my tail between my legs since I've been scolded for my bad behavior. If you even try to talk to me I'll knock your ass off this jeep. Got it?" This isn't like me. But I can't help it anymore. I need to release this monstrous hate that's been building inside before I lose my mind.  
  
"Humph. Smartest thing I've ever heard from your mouth. Now maybe you'll shut the hell up." Gojyo gives me a 'Well? What are you going to say to that?' look about Sanzo's cold remark. I just turn away. I won't say anything. I can still save this show and fall back into my role. Only a few minor lines were missed. The rest of the ride was silent.  
  
Sanzo's POV  
  
It's been a rather unusual day. Not that I care. Stupid idiots. At least they were silent for once and didn't argue over who got which room, they just went to whichever one was the closest to them at the time. Good. That's the way it should be. But still even in their silence they drove me up the side of the jeep. Knots of tension bind in my back.  
  
There is only one who can ease my muscles right now. But he can't come, not yet. He has to wait and make sure the other two are sleeping. 'Can't tell Gojyo because we'll never hear the end of it.' He says. 'Can't tell Goku cause it'll break his heart and he we can't do that to him.' He says. Heh. Like I care if I hurt the stupid saru's feelings. It's not my problem he can't get a clue. I need a cigarette.  
  
Stupid Hakkai and his stupid paranoia about the other two finding out. I could be sleeping instead of waiting for his ass. He pisses me off just like the others...yet for some reason he can calm me down too. Yeah Goku can calm me at times too but not like Hakkai can. It's different with him. I can feel my body react to him and I can't stop it. With him it's easier to breathe, easier to think, and easier to care. I hate caring but for some stupid reason I have yet to figure out, I can't stop myself...and I don't want too. I've fought with myself over and over again about him and after awhile I've realized that it was a pointless battle with myself. I was losing anyways.  
  
I refuse to say I need him, but for some reason I can tell him I want him; that I love him. Idiot. Making me care and shit. I need another cigarette.  
  
"Idiots."  
  
Hakkai's POV  
  
I wait till the halls are silent and all I can hear are the crickets outside. Quietly I open and close my door before I silently travel towards your room. You're a cold man Sanzo and it's rather addicting. Sometimes I feel like what I'm doing; what we're doing is wrong. But my insides scream at me to keeping going to you, too keep on loving you. And it's still hard for me to grasp the idea of you loving me back. I must be the only soul alive to ever have those words directed at me from you.  
  
As I pass by Goku's door a small prick of pain flashes through my senses. I'm so sorry Goku but I can't deny my feelings. I know I'll cause hurt that is inevitable. One day I'll have the courage to tell you and I know that will be the day one more person in this world will hate me. I wonder if you'd ever be able to forgive me and the hurt my heart will cause you.  
  
I'm finally here Sanzo; sometimes just walking down the hall seems like a journey in itself. And I know that soon all my worries and fears will wash away at your touch. You're good at that for some reason. Silent and strong. An enigma I always find myself enjoying trying to figure out. I reach for the doorknob, but it swings open before I could even touch it. And suddenly I'm lost in a violet stained world.  
  
"Sanzo."  
  
"You're late." For some reason I can't help but smile at you. I found that really cute which almost comes off as creepy when it involves you.  
  
"Enjoy your fuck." My neck nearly snaps as I turn to find where the invading voice came from. My heart freezes. Gojyo. And before I think of a reply he vanishes back into his room.  
  
"Shit."  
  
Goku's POV  
  
I exhale the breath that was buried inside my lungs for too long. I refuse to stay up tonight. I need rest. I slipped today and that is not allowed, not anymore. I lift my head from the wall and slowly drag my tired feet to the bed. I don't want to hear the confessions of love tonight. I don't want to imagine that it's me that your pale fingers grace. I don't want to smell smoke. I don't want to cry tonight.  
  
The sheets are cool and my body melts into them. I haven't realized just how worn out my body is until know. Blinking even hurts. Damn, I guess I can't escape the smoke. I bury my head under my pillows to help block out your voice. Oh Sanzo how I love your voice I just wish I didn't need to hide from it, hide from the pain it causes. Sleep is coming and I welcome it fully. The nightmares will come, but that's okay for my true nightmare is reality and it's just on the other side of the wall. It has turned out to be an interesting day hasn't it Sanzo? Ah, but as I said before, the show must go on.  
  
"Hmph, I guess Gojyo does know after all."  
  
TBC  
  
Well...should I try a few more chapters or just leave it as a one shot? Let me know. 


	3. I didn’t know you woke Sanzo up too

I do not own any Saiyuki characters but I wouldn't argue if Sanzo and my beloved Goku were given to me as a birthday present by a certain Japanese manga artist...wink-wink...please don't sue cause you will find that I have nothing and you'll waste precious time that you'll never regain.  
  
SanzoHakki...one sided GokuSanzo...errrmmm and most likely other pairing or whatever along later...if there is a later. But I would like to state that I LOVE SanzoxGoku fics...they are the best...I just wasn't in a happy mode and this was birthed from it...I shall be the end of the world one day...  
  
Thank you everyone for your reviews, I didn't think this fic catch anyone's attention. I'm glad it did though. I must say that I'm sorry for the grammar errors...you see I suck at spelling and grammar...and I usually write between 12:00 –3:00am so I don't really catch my mistakes. I also have this problem with proof reading my stuff...I don't do it.  
  
Umm, I don't know anything about Sanzo and Hakkai pairings. I don't read the fics; I don't like the pairing..., which is odd seeing how they're a couple in this fic...hmmm...so I don't really know how their relationship is viewed among its fans. But since this is a fan fic...and I am the author I guess it's okay to write it my way ...the characters maybe OOC but I've read other fics on Saiyuki and then watched the anime and people always seem to stress the character more than what they really are. In this fic I will stress them my way. Thanks again for the reviews, they really made me very happy.  
  
Smoke  
  
Goku's POV  
  
"OI! SARU!" My eye's snap open at the loud outburst of a voice and even more so the surprising thud of my own pillow hitting me square in my face.  
  
"AHHHHHHH!" Without thought I was standing on the bed with the pillow retrieved in my hands ready for battle, only to be met with the amused laughter of Gojyo. The prick. "Baka mushi!" He just laughs some more.  
  
"Is that the thanks I get for coming in here to get you up for breakfast? Ungrateful chimp." I snort and jump down from the bed onto the warm wooden floor. I should hit him for yesterday but I can't. I have to go back to normal and that means no grudges, just the simple everyday bickering between us two "idiots" of the group.  
  
"I'm not a chimp." I let out a yawn and stretch my back. Still he hasn't left my room, he's just standing there like he's waiting for something. "What?"  
  
"No, you're a chimp but you're not a pet." I blinked at his mumbled words and after a second I couldn't help but breaking out into a real smile. Ah I believe my first smile for so long. Can I really remember the last time it was real? No, I can't. That was the closest thing I was going to get as an apology from the pink-haired freak. He smiles back and I know we're fine again. "Well anyway I thought we could beat those two dead beats downstairs this time. They'll choke on their hearts with surprise when they realize we're up before them. Besides I believe you had enough sleep this night."  
  
"What time is it?" I ignored his last comment choosing to pretend to be too busy getting dressed to notice it.  
  
"It's about 6: 20. I figured we could get some tea before they start to serve the breakfast." I turn to look at him leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest.  
  
"And just what are you doing up this early?" Gojyo is usually the one before me to get up in the morning so I find it weird that he's dressed and ready to go before the rest of us.  
  
"Nosey brat. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. It happens to the best of us. Now hurry up and lets go I'm tired of waiting for you." He turns to open the door and leave as I follow behind hopping on one foot while trying to put my other shoe on. Once it slid into place I was right behind him closing the door.  
  
"I didn't know they served tea this early in the morning."  
  
"That's because you're never awake this early in the morning. You're to busy dreaming of fighting and food."  
  
"Dreaming...I haven't done that in a while." I whisper under my breath. He doesn't make a comment so it means I'm clear of him hearing me. I wonder if it's pity that really brought him to my room this morning or was it friendship? He seems to hate Sanzo's and Hakkai's relationship but why? Is he a homophobic? Does he have a thing for either Hakkai or Sanzo and is jealous?  
  
"What have I told you about thinking too hard? It can be dangerous so stop it." I'm about to reply but Sanzo's door swings open just as we were about to pass it. But it wasn't Sanzo who stepped out.  
  
Gojyo's POV  
  
I nearly jumped back when Hakkai stepped out into the hallway and let out sharp cuss. "Shit!" His eye grew wide at his sudden shock and his face paled. Goku. I whip my head around to see how he's handling it and I'm speechless at what I find. That impish smile that makes him look so innocent and young. But why?  
  
"Good-morning Hakkai? I didn't know you woke Sanzo up too?" That idiot! I know he knows, so why can't he tell what's going on? I look back at Hakkai waiting for him to answer. He gives a nervous choke trying to knock himself out of his shock.  
  
"Y-yes I do Goku. What are you doing up so early?" I watched as he quickly pulled himself back together. I want to hit them both.  
  
"Kappa here felt the need to kiss my ass this morning and who was I to say no?"  
  
"I was NOT kissing your ass saru! There's no telling where it's been."  
  
"Will you two shut-up! It's too damn early for your shit!" I look behind Hakkai and see Sanzo leaning on the frame of his door pulling out a cigarette for a morning smoke. I check on Goku and I see he's still smiling but that isn't what I feel. I can sense it on him, the pain, the anger, and the loneliness. I can even feel jealousy and love. You're fighting a hard inner battle aren't you saru? I wonder though, can you win?  
  
"Easy Sanzo, it seems that they were just about to go downstairs. There's no need to get angry it's too early for that too."  
  
"Cheh."  
  
"Alright we're going now, see you guys when you get down." I tuck my arm across Goku's shoulder and lead him away from the others. He's faking it. How someone can wear a smile like they do their skin I'll never know, but it blows my mind away each time he does. "How about some alcohol in your tea this morning?" Gods knows I need it and I'm sure right now he wouldn't mind any either.  
  
"Thanks." His rugged voice is soft. I wonder though just what he was saying thanks too, the drink or something more than that?  
  
Authors POV  
  
The two sat across from each other at a table in the far corner. When it came time for breakfast they would need all the space they could get between them and the other customers. It was a bad idea to end up hitting someone upside the head with a random dumpling which was sure to happen in Goku and Gojyo's daily eating routine. So in order to not get kicked out, or have Sanzo blow the owners brains across the floor they have learned to sit farther away to create less of a disturbance.  
  
Gojyo watched as Goku calmly and quietly drank his tea. Usually something like this wouldn't have caught his attention much but the key words in this situation were 'calmly' and 'silently'. Goku was anything but calm and silent. But as of lately he's noticed the change in the boy when Goku didn't think anyone was watching him or paying attention. His face would darken and his eyes would soundly grow old and tired. These were the looks of a carefree youth, but of a world-ridden man. It was soon after the change in behavior that only he seemed to notice did Gojyo finally see that Goku held himself inside just as much as the others.  
  
"Your tea is getting cold you ass." Goku pointed out to Gojyo, knocking him from his stare.  
  
"I'm surprised you realized tea can get cold after how fast you drink it. Mind your own." The redhead shot back. He took a drink from his cup nonetheless.  
  
A soft "Bite me." Came from the golden-eyed boy before Gojyo reached over and filled his empty glass once again. Soon the room's volume started to rise as more and more people awoke for breakfast.  
  
"The others should be down soon, it seems we can order now but the last thing I want is a paper fan permanently lodged in my skull." Goku snickered at his teasing before taking another swallow of the tea.  
  
Hakkai's POV  
  
"Morning!" Goku's voice sang towards Sanzo and I. He looked as genki as ever but I'm still worried. This morning was cut far to close.  
  
"Good morning Goku. I trust you slept well?" He smiles and nods with zeal. Good, he has no clue.  
  
"Sanzo! I said good morning." I glare at my lover when I saw that he didn't plan on returning Goku's greeting. He glared back.  
  
"Meh." He managed to squeeze out and I just sighed. It seems that was the best I was going to get out him but Goku seems pleased by it so I won't push the topic. Actually I'm tired of his shit. It has to be killing Goku; I don't see how it couldn't. To strive to make the one he loves see him, to even have to fight for a simple morning greeting. It's wrong because still after the hell he drags him through Goku will die for him without a second thought.  
  
"Well let's hurry up and order I'm tired of listening to Goku's stomach growl." I looked at my companion. Someone who I was always close too, could turn too when I needed a shoulder. Now he won't look me in the eyes and I feel nothing but cold when around him. Does my love for Sanzo make you hate me that much Gojyo, or is it your protective nature for Goku?  
  
"Yes, I am quite hungry." I sit down and call over a waitress. As she heads over I glance among our group. Sanzo like always is reading the newspaper but I doubt he finds anything in there of his interests it's just his way of being anti-social. Gojyo is teasing Goku to get an easy rise out of him and Goku of course reacts feeling his pride would be damaged. Goku...What would break you? I know the fear of losing your sun would but that has always been because he was near to death. Would it destroy you to know Sanzo is with me? And if I knew it would, could I stop being with him?  
  
"Ohayo gozaimasu minna-san. What can I get for you this morning?" The waitress smiled at me and I gave a smile back.  
  
"Goku." I pulled him from his mini tiff with Gojyo.  
  
"Yeah Hakkai?"  
  
"Why don't you start the orders this morning?" He blinks studying me for a second before his face lights up and he picks up the menu and starts to order everything. First yesterday with that cold gaze in the jeep and now he's unsure around me. Acting as if I have something up my sleeve. Maybe there is something that's bothering him. Do you know? I don't think you do because if you did you would be this calm, this YOU. You use to come to me sometimes, but now like Gojyo I feel nothing but cold from you. Or is it me? Is guilt taking over my senses?  
  
Sanzo's POV  
  
I watch the stupid monkey in the review mirror. He's antsy. He keeps playing with his hands and dragging his fingers through his hair emitting a sigh every now and then. It's the first time ever that I hope we run into some demons to kill or Goku's going to drive me crazy with his constant fidgeting. Idiot. I glance at Gojyo and to a normal eye he would seem asleep but he isn't. I should kill the bastard for last night. If he tells Goku I'll never hear the end of it and that will be the day Sha Gojyo finds another hole in his head. Dumb kid and his stupid crushes.  
  
"We should reach the next town in just a few hours and have lunch. The town after that is only another three so we can keep going after we eat." I look at Hakkai from the corner of my eye.  
  
"Great! I'm starving!" Goku yells throwing himself in the middle us Hakkai and I from the back. "Hey Hakkai, can I drive?"  
  
"Ummm, I don't think that would be the best idea. You seem to be pretty reckless and I don't think Hakuryu would be too happy about that." I snort at the stupid question. Goku? Drive?  
  
"Aww come on! It's not like he can't transform if he gets too scared."  
  
"I don't think Sanzo and Gojyo would like it very much if they were dropped on the ground cause Hakuryu felt he needed to change for his safety. Maybe later I'll try to teach you if we have time and smooth ground to drive on." Stupid Hakkai, always trying to please the brat.  
  
"Sit down and shut-up. You're yelling in my ear." I snap at him.  
  
"I wonder if you'll ever get rid of that stick in your ass." My attention rips from Goku to Gojyo instantly. He must have a death wish. "Hmmm...I guess stick isn't the right word is it? Would it happen to be ---?" I cut off his rambling as I place my gun in the middle of his forehead.  
  
"I'm sorry, were you going to say something?" I bite at the idiot.  
  
"Settle down guys, Hakuryu doesn't like it when you get all reckless." I snort at Hakkai and his attempt to keep me from killing Gojyo.  
  
"Yeah monk, don't want to ruin the interior now do you?"  
  
"Gojyo maybe you should stop now."  
  
"I'd take his advice if I were you." I sneer and than return to me seat. Dumb-asses. I watch as Gojyo flips me off in the mirror before he pretends to fall back asleep. Soon everything was like it was five minutes ago; Hakkai driving while looking at the map every once in a while, Gojyo and his faux sleeping act, me trying to ignore all their presences and Goku staring off to space while moving with retained energy. Life is banal and it sucks. He sighs again and I watch him tuck his head between his drawn up knees. Just what is going through that pea brain head of yours?  
  
Goku's POV  
  
I smelled them before anyone realized it they were there. It makes my body sigh in relief but soon drives me farther and deeper into the need to destroy something. Anything it doesn't matter, I just need to feel something break beneath my fingers. I'm waiting for the others to notice and I wish they would cause I'm eager to move. But I practice one of the virtues I lack, patience. I don't like waiting, it causes you to think and as Gojyo said when I think it becomes dangerous. Besides I had five hundred years to think and it hasn't gotten me anywhere so the only thing left to do is fight. And the need is a taste that I can't get enough of.  
  
"Someone's out there." I hold back a snort when I heard Hakkai finally notice.  
  
"Any idea who it might be?" Gojyo asked stretching his limbs.  
  
"Kougaiji." I smirk at the thought of the power and heat coursing through my body at the thrill of battle. Yes this is what I need right now, physical pain. I'm tired of the emotional bullshit as of lately.  
  
"And how do you know?" Gojyo asks looking at me like I'm full of it.  
  
"I smell him."  
  
TBC  
  
Errrrr...-=blink=-.... Gomen guys but I've been crazy with my finals so I haven't found the time to write and all this studying is clouding my brain. I wanted to make this chapter longer since I have a good idea of what I want but there just isn't the time right now. I felt like I needed to put something up or I was just going to quick and forget about it. I promise the next chapter will be more entertaining. To me it's been rather uneventful but I plan to toss a bit more action and drama in, if anything just to amuse myself. So sorry again for the rather dull and drawn out chapter I promise it is leading to something bigger and better. Don't give up on me yet! 


	4. I Hate Him I Love Him

I do not own any Saiyuki characters but I wouldn't argue if Sanzo and my beloved Goku were given to me as a birthday present by a certain Japanese manga artist…wink-wink…please don't sue cause you will find that I have nothing and you'll waste precious time that you'll never regain.

SanzoHakki…one sided GokuSanzo…errrmmm and most likely other pairing or whatever along later…if there is a later. But I would like to state that I LOVE SanzoxGoku fics...they are the best…I just wasn't in a happy mood and this was birthed from it…I shall be the end of the world one day…

Thank you everyone for your reviews, I didn't think this fic catch anyone's attention. I'm glad it did though. I must say that I'm sorry for the grammar errors…you see I suck at spelling and grammar…and I usually write between 12:00 –3:00am so I don't really catch my mistakes. I also have this problem with proof reading my stuff…I don't do it.

Umm, I don't know anything about Sanzo and Hakkai pairings. I don't read the fics; I don't like the pairing…, which is odd seeing how they're a couple in this fic…hmmm…so I don't really know how their relationship is viewed among its fans. But since this is a fan fic…and I am the author I guess it's okay to write it my way …the characters maybe OOC but I've read other fics on Saiyuki and then watched the anime and people always seem to stress the character more than what they really are. In this fic I will stress them my way. Thanks again for the reviews, they really made me very happy.

_**Wow…it took me forever and a day to update. Well life has been busy. This chapter is dedicated to Amanda Perry, who wouldn't dare let me forget this fic. (Sorry you got stuck with such a sucky chapter dedicated to you) Thank you Amanda for your kind words and time you took to write me. -glomps-**_

Grammar and all that jazz was not checked yet but after a few days I will reread it that way the story isn't so stuck in my head and I'll catch more of my mistakes. I'll fix it then

Smoke- I Hate Him; I Love Him 

Gojyo's POV 

"You _smell_ him? What are you, part Hound dog too?" I look at his eager face and his eyes flash with relief. I can't say I'm surprised. He loves to fight but this time it's different. This time he's fighting to forget, to become numb. I almost feel sorry Kougaiji.

"At least I knew he was here! You on the other hand wouldn't have figured it out until he kicked you in the ass!"

"What was that you stupid primate?!"

"You heard me you hormone with legs!"

"Save it, you idiots! Focus all that annoying energy on the fight ahead." I glance at the blonde monk sitting there as if the world revolves around him. It's not like he's going to be fighting anyway. The trigger-happy jerk. I turn my attention to Hakkai as he chuckles under his breath. I have the urge to kick them both in the back of the head, but I also want to live so that's not going to happen.

"Oh look, there's our company now." I look ahead and see that Hakkai is right; there they stand acting as if we're a waste of their time. Feh, jerks.

"Finally." Goku whispers just barely loud enough for me to catch. No shouts and yelps of pleasure. No smart-ass comments on how he's going to beat the crap out of them. Just a hissed word under his breath. This isn't right. Goku please do something banal; stomp, gloat, laugh…_something._ Make it okay for me to play along with you, make it easier to follow up with my own snide remarks. Finally, Goku? Finally, what? Does this even have to do with fighting anymore?

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Sanzo's yelling snapped me out of my train of thought just in time to see Goku land on the hood of the jeep. I blinked and looked at the empty seat beside me. Shit.

"You idiot! At least wait until the damn jeep stops!" I bark at him, but he doesn't hear me. I doubt he hears anything expect for the blood pounding in his ears. Or it could be he doesn't care anymore and I can't really say I blame him.

Goku's POV 

My release is closer. The wind stings my ears and my eyes water. But I don't dare blink or turn my head, not now. I'm almost there and soon I will be able to breathe again and my mind will be lost in the battle. Not lost in thought of you Sanzo, I need a break before I implode. I can feel every muscle in my body as I shift to the right position and wait for the perfect moment. Are you watching Sanzo? Do you see me as reach for a way to forget how much I hurt inside? This is it.

"GOKU!" I hear Hakkai shout my name faintly as I leap from Hakuryu and go straight for my target. I hit nothing but air as he dodges my attack. I would have hit him if I had used my staff, but this time I won't. This time it will be flesh to flesh. I want to feel every sting of every cut and every throbbing ache of every hit. I want to bleed. But even more so I want to make someone else hurt, for me to be the one causing the pain instead of the other way around. Not only do I want to bleed but I want blood in return and for now his will do nicely.

"A little slow today are, we?" Kougaiji smirks and stands in his ready stance. Instead of answering I rip off my cape and clawed shoulder armor and let it fall to the ground. He blinks, not understanding and now it's my turn to smirk. Nothing will be guarded and nothing will restrain me. Behind me are the footsteps of the others as they finally catch up. Like clock work his little sidekicks go off for a piece of the fight. I drop in my fighting stance as well.

"If we're gonna have to do this again then we're going to do it right the last time." His head tilts a bit to the right as he thinks about what I've said.

"The last time?"

"Hai, I'm done with games."

"And what would you call games?"

"No weapons, no hocus-pocus or anything else, just primal skill and instinct. And just so you know in order to stop me from attacking you'll either have to knock me out cold or kill me." He glares going over all that I've said. It's strange really, this feeling I have now. My blood is usually thick and hot with excitement but this time it courses in me like ice. I feel uncontrolled. I need that release and I need it now.

"Fine. Same here." I smirk at his agreement.

"Perfect."

Sanzo's POV 

"Stupid brat."

"Hey baldy, where's all the food?"

I'm going to kill her. Idiots, all of them but not nearly as much as this red haired brat. It figures I get stuck with the only one who doesn't bother with fighting. No, instead she's begging for food. The female version of Goku. "Don't you have dolls at home you should be playing with?"

"But I like playing with you more!"

"Great." I glare at her and pull out my cigarettes and lighter. Doing what I can I look up and watch the fight. Though I wouldn't really call it that. Hakkai and Yaone aren't really trying because they're too polite with each other to do so. Pathetic. Gojyo and Dokugakuji are just fucking with each other like typical brothers would. But I'm stuck babysitting like always so I'm not that far from pathetic either.

"What's my brother and monkey boy doing? Aren't they going to fight?" At her question I turn my head to the far left where they stand facing each other talking. Talking? That's new. I take a closer look and see Goku's cape a few feet from him. What's going on? I stand to get a better look and soon notice that the others have also stopped to watch. Goku, what has gotten in to you? This isn't normal even for you. Damn you're too much trouble.

Goku's POV 

My nerves scream in ecstasy as my fist collides with his face and he flies back sending dust into the air. This is the craving I've been itching for, a monstrous disease that's taken over my humanity and drilled me with the rage to kill. I have no more reason; I fight for no one or the ideal of becoming stronger. It's not about getting better and living dreams anymore. I have nothing to lose.

Blood stained eyes blink wide at me. So now he really gets it, I'm not here to play. No more games. This is where I would make my smart-assed comment and smirk but I can't seem to pull any such thing from within me. My hands shaking …I need to strike, I have to pound this twisted sensation away, pound it into his body until there isn't anything left.

Here he comes, rage burning in his eyes but it will do him no good. He screams with his fist pulled back ready to strike me but he doesn't get it. I'm waiting and he comes like a mindless sheep unaware of his demise. He's blinded by feeling just like me, and it will get him nowhere…just like me. A breath of air passes by my cheek as I dodge his fist, duck and plummet my own punch into his unguarded gut. His body goes limp with pain and the shock of having all the air knocked out of him causes him to fall limp leaning on my shoulder. "Fool, I told you this is it." I whispered only loud enough for us to hear.

"Wha…what hap...pened to you? This strength?" He wheezed in my ear.

"No reason to hold back anymore when there isn't anything to hold onto. You'd think that would make me weaker but it seems that when there is no fear then there is nothing holding you back. But it doesn't really matter because I'm going to kill you now."

Hakkai's POV 

I watch as Goku moves as if his diadem were shattered to the winds. Goku what happened? The speed and the anger are only that of a sanguinary monster. Your strength sending Kougaiji's body to be tossed around as if it were nothing but a rag doll. Why is this Goku? Never have you ever intentionally acted like the killers you despise. I don't know what I should do. Should I stop you even though I know stepping in the middle of this rancid show of violence could get me hurt? Should I beg you to stop even when I know you won't listen? Or should I let you eliminate the enemy knowing that it will slowly kill you inside? But you wouldn't kill him, would you Goku?

"Lord Kougaiji!" I look over to Yaone as she struggles with her own choice to step into the line of fire or not. They wouldn't want us there, this is their choice and we stand in no position to stop them even as Kougaiji's at Goku's mercy hanging limp from his shoulder. But I doubt that theory will hold for long because we were never one's to follow such rules. I just hope Goku doesn't take it to the step I fear. Just what isn't it do you wish to destroy here?

I breathe a slight sigh of relief as I watch him push from away from Goku and jump back a few meters from his touch. No one has died yet so I just hope they work out their little anger fit and move on to the typical role of things. But I fear my hope is just that and things will not end as easily. I will step in if I have too. Even if it's to save Kougaiji from Goku.

Goku's POV

I give him no time to run as I jump after him. There isn't anywhere to go, he agreed to this and now he must pay for it.

_I hate him._

A scream rips from his throat as my knee slams into his back; he never saw me coming.

_I hate him._

Blood trickles down his chin splashing the dusty earth. This was too easy. This isn't how I wanted it. I need the pain too but I can't seem to stop.

_I hate him._

I kick him over and drag him back to his feet holding him up by his neck. "Fight." I growl. "Hit me, do something." He doesn't answer me, just stares in silence. I hate that. Why does everyone ignore me? Why is it that they feel like I'm not worth the breath of one single word? My hands tighten and still he stares. I snap. "DAMN IT! MAKE ME BLEED! MAKE ME NUMB WITH PAIN YOU ASSHOLE!"

Nothing, he does nothing but look at me.

_I **hate** him._

Piercing me with cold uncaring eyes, as if I'm not worth shit. I know those eyes. I know that look.

_I love him._

Gojyo's POV

I'm frozen in shock as I watch Goku's smaller form hold Kougaiji's body above the cracked earth. I think he broke his spine. Shit. Is this what's been living inside you all this time Goku, this killer? To think I've been watching it manifest and grow hungry for blood and never really noticed. Can I save you Goku? Do I even want to try and keep you in a world where you're cold with out your sun? You've suffered so much and I don't know what's fair to you anymore. Life or death? You want to kill Goku? Or is it something else? You ask to bleed, to become numb. Maybe it's the other way around; maybe you're the one that wants to fall today.

"ANSWER ME!" He shouts shaking his body, I cringe watching his limbs flop around and his neck and head roll back. I hear Dokugakuji gasp from a few feet away. It's sick.

"DON'T YOU GET IT?! NOW'S THE TIME TO KILL ME! WHY WON'T YOU HIT BACK?!" He grows angrier as Kougaiji continues to remain silent. But instead of hitting him he slowly lowers him closer to the ground and I breath a sigh of relief. It's over now. I look over to Sanzo and see his eyes frozen on the scene before us. It seems everyone was too stunned to even know what to do.

"NOO!" My head snaps to Yaone and follow her line of sight only to see Kougaiji being tossed into the air and Goku jumping after him hitting him for all he's worth. Blood falls like rain. And the screams, I can't tell who's louder or who's in more pain. Kougaiji's muffled yells of pain and Goku's shrieking questions of 'Why?' raid my senses. Dokugakuji moves to stop the slaughter of his leader, his friend, but I can't let him be the one to get there first. So I run. I run with all that's left in me to reach that stupid monkey.

We tumble as I grab him from behind and skid to a stop only a few yards from Kougaiji's shredded body. "Goku! Stop it!"

"WHY? DAMN IT! MAKE IT STOP!" He kicks and screams forcing me to wrap my body around his in attempt to hold him still.

"You can't do this! You can't kill this way and I won't let you die this way either!"

"THERE ISN'T ANYTHING LEFT! WHY? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!" I'm sorry Goku I can't answer that for you, I can't fix it, I can't save you, I can't protect you and I can't make him love you.

"Goku, stop it, please. Not this way, never like this. You're better then this. Snap out of it damn it. It's me; Gojyo and I have you now. You have too much to live for; don't quit now. Please Goku." I felt his body start to slow as he struggled to bring air into is over worked lungs.

"I hate him! I hate him! What did I do that was so wrong?!" His voice cracked as his yells died down. I continued to whisper in his ear and let him know that he wasn't alone. But I know it won't help for long because I can never be enough for him to live, our friendship wouldn't be able to hold him together. He really is alone and there isn't anything I can do but try to keep him hanging on for as long as I can.

"You didn't do anything wrong Goku."

"Then why?"

"I don't know."

**TBC**

* * *

Wow…See? This is the shit that is birthed when one works 10-12 hour shifts and forces out a fic because they feel like they have to get something done. I apologize for its slaughter people. It seems I turned what could have been a good fic into one of those writings that make it to a certain point before it starts going down hill. But here's the good news; I haven't given up! A real idea will hit me one day and when it does I will rewrite this chapter and fix it's pathetic existence. Not only that it's another chapter that isn't really finished. There should be more Sanzo and Hakkai POVs but I'm just too fried to work on that now. Gomen once more.

One more thing, I hate Goku in this chapter. He comes off as a pain in the ass and pathetic. I can't tell if that's my whole point or if it's something else. Hmm…I think I'll work on fixing that too.


End file.
